FIVE HOMELESS PEOPLE
Christmas bells are ringing
Christmas bells are ringing
Christmas bells are singing
On TV – at Saks
SQUEEGEEMAN
Honest living, honest living
Honest living, honest living
Honest living, honest living
ALL FIVE HOMELESS
Can’t you spare a dime or two
Here but for the grace of God go you
You’ll be merry
I’ll be merry
Tho merry ain’t in my vocabulary
No sleighbells
No Santa Claus
No yule log
No tinsel
No holly
No hearth
No
SOLOIST
‘Rudolph the red nosed reindeer’
ALL FIVE
Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
No room at the Holiday Inn — oh no
(A few flakes of snow begin to descend.)
And it’s beginning to snow
(The stage suddenly explodes with life.
The scene is St. Mark’s Place on Christmas Eve — an open-air bazaar of color,
noise, and movement.)
VENDORS
Hats, bats, shoes, booze
Mountain bikes, potpourri
Leather bags, girlie mags
Forty-fives, AZT
VENDOR #1
No one’s buying
Feel like crying
ALL
No room at the Holiday Inn, oh no
And it’s beginning to snow
(Lights up on one woman, who is showing off
a collection of stolen coats to COLLINS and ANGEL.)
VENDOR #2
How about a fur —
In perfect shape
Owned by an MBA from uptown
I got a tweed
Broken in by a greedy
Broker who went broke
And then broke down
COLLINS
You don’t have to do this
ANGEL
Hush your mouth, it’s Christmas
COLLINS
I do not deserve you, Angel
COLLINS
Give–give
All you do
Is give
Give me some way to show
How much you’ve touched me so
ANGEL (simultaneously)
Wait–what’s on the floor?
Let’s see some more…
No–no–no…
ANGEL
Kiss me — it’s beginning to snow
(Lights focus on MARK and ROGER on right above.)
MARK
… She said, “Would you light my candle?”
And she put on a pout
And she wanted you
To take her out tonight?
ROGER
Right
MARK
She got you out!
ROGER
She was more than okay
But I pushed her away
It was bad — I got mad
And I had to get her out of my sight
MARK
Wait, wait, wait — you said she was sweet
ROGER
Let’s go eat — I’ll just get fat
It’s the one vice left when you’re dead meat
(MIMI has entered looking furtively for THE MAN.)
There — that’s her
MARK
Maureen?
ROGER
Mimi!
MARK
Whoa!
ROGER
I should go
MARK
Hey — it’s beginning to snow
(The POLICE OFFICERS, in riot gear, enter above.)
POLICE OFFICERS
I’m dreaming of a white, right Christmas
(POLICE OFFICERS exit.)
MIMI & JUNKIES
Follow the man — follow the man
With his pockets full of the jam
Follow the man — follow the man
Help me out, daddy
If you can
Got any D man?
THE MAN
I’m cool
MIMI & JUNKIES
Got any C man?
THE MAN
I’m cool
MIMI & JUNKIES
Got any X?
Any smack?
Any horse?
Any jugie boogie boy?
Any blow?
(ROGER pulls MIMI aside.)
ROGER
Hey
MIMI
Hey
ROGER
I just want to say
I’m sorry for the way —
MIMI
Forget it
ROGER
I blew up
Can I make it up to you?
MIMI
How?
ROGER
Dinner party?
MIMI
That’ll do
THE MAN
Hey lover boy — cutie pie
You steal my client — you die
ROGER
You didn’t miss me — you won’t miss her
You’ll never lack for customers
JUNKIES
I’m willin’
I’m illin’
I gotta get my sickness off
Gotta run, gotta ride
Gotta gun, gotta hide — gotta go
THE MAN
And it’s beginning to snow
BENNY
(entering, talking on his cellular phone)
Wish me luck, Alison
The protest is on
COAT VENDOR
L.L Bean
Geoffrey Beene
Burburry zip out
Lining
JUNKIES (simultaneously)
Got any C man?
Got any D man?
Got any B man?
Got any crack?
Got any X?
SQUEEGEEMAN
Honest living —
ROGER
Mark, this is Mimi —
MARK/MIMI
Hi
ROGER
She’ll be dining — (with us)
COAT VENDOR
Here’s a new arrival
THE MAN
That is an ounce
VENDORS
Hats, dats, bats
COLLINS
That’s my coat!
COAT VENDOR
We give discounts
MARK
I think we’ve met
ANGEL
Let’s get a better one
COLLINS
It’s a sham
MIMI
That’s what he said
THE MAN
I said it’s a gram!
COLLINS
But she’s a thief!
ANGEL
But she brought us together
BENNY
Which investor is coming??
COLLINS
I’ll take the leather
BENNY
Your father? — Damn!
(The following is sung simultaneously.)
HOMELESS & VENDORS
Christmas bells are swinging
Christmas bells are ringing
Christmas bells are singing
In my dreams — next year
Once you donate you can go
Celebrate in Tuckahoe
You’ll feel cheery
I’ll feel cheery
Tho’ I don’t really know that theory
No bathrobe
No steuben glass
No cappucino makers
No pearls, no diamonds
No ‘Chestnuts roasting on an open fire’
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
No room at the Holiday Inn, oh no —
POLICE OFFICERS
I’m dreaming of a white Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know
Jingle bells — prison cells
Fa la la la — fa la la la
You have the right to remain
Silent night holy night
Fall on your knees oh night divine
You’ll do some time
Fa la la la la
Fa la la la la
JUNKIES
Got any C man?
Got any D man?
Got any B man?
Got any X? — Crack?
I’m willin’ — I’m illin’
Gotta get my sickness off
C-D help me
Follow the man — follow the man
Follow the man
Jugie boogie — jugie boogie
Follow the man — follow the man
Any crack any X any jugie boogie boy
Any blow any X any jugie boogie boy
Got any D man, got any C man
Got any crack — any X — any jugie boogie?
COAT VENDOR
Twenty-five
ANGEL
Fifteen
COAT VENDOR
Twenty-five
ANGEL
Fifteen
COAT VENDOR
No way
Twenty-four
ANGEL
Fifteen
COAT VENDOR
Twenty-four
ANGEL
Fifteen
COAT VENDOR
Not today
Twenty-three
ANGEL
Fifteen
COAT VENDOR
Twenty-three
ANGEL
Fifteen
It’s old
COAT VENDOR
Twenty-two
ANGEL
Fifteen
COAT VENDOR
Twenty-one
ANGEL
Fifteen
COAT VENDOR
Seventeen
ANGEL
Fifteen
COAT VENDOR
Fifteen
ANGEL & COAT VENDOR
Sold!
MARK & ROGER
Let’s
Go
To
The lot — Maureen’s performing
MIMI
Who’s Maureen?
ROGER
His ex
MARK
But I am over her
ROGER
Let’s not hold hands yet
MIMI
Is that a warning?
ALL THREE
He/You/I
Just
Need(s)
To take it slow
I should tell you I should tell you
I should tell you I should tell you
I should tell you I …
ALL
And it’s beginning to
And it’s beginning to
And it’s beginning to —
(Lights blackout and a blinding headlight comes through the door.
As it reaches downstage, the lights come up and reveal MAUREEN.)
MAUREEN
Joanne, which way to the stage?
ALL
Snow!!!
(Blackout.)
