(Downstage right, the PRINCIPALS have lined up and are waiting to be seated.
A large table is situated down center.
Down and to the right, BENNY and MR. GREY are seated at a smaller table.
The RESTAURANT MAN tries to shoo our friends out.)
RESTAURANT MAN
No please no
Not tonight please no
Mister — can’t you go —
Not tonight — can’t have a scene
ROGER
What?
RESTAURANT MAN
Go, please go;
You — Hello, sir —
I said, “No”
Important customer
MARK
What am I — just a blur?
RESTAURANT MAN
You sit all night — you never buy!
MARK
That’s a lie — that’s a lie
I had a tea the other day
RESTAURANT MAN
You couldn’t pay
MARK
Oh yeah
COLLINS
Benjamin Coffin III — here?
RESTAURANT MAN
Oh no!
ALL
Wine and beer!
MAUREEN
The enemy of Avenue A
We’ll stay
(They sit.)
RESTAURANT MAN
Oy vey!
COLLINS
What brings the mogul in his own mind to the Life Cafe?
BENNY
I would like to propose a toast
To Maureen’s noble try
It went well
MAUREEN
Go to hell
BENNY
Was the yuppie scum stomped
Not counting the homeless
How many tickets weren’t comped
ROGER
Why did Muffy —
BENNY
Alison
ROGER
Miss the show?
BENNY
There was a death in the family
If you must know
ANGEL
Who died?
BENNY
Our Akita
BENNY, MARK, ANGEL, COLLINS
Evita
BENNY
Mimi — I’m surprised
A bright and charming girl like you
Hangs out with these slackers
(Who don’t adhere to deals)
They make fun — yet I’m the one
Attempting to do some good
Or do you really want a neighborhood
Where people piss on your stoop every night?
Bohemia, Bohemia’s
A fallacy in your head
This is Calcutta
Bohemia is dead
(The BOHEMIANS immediately begin to enact a mock funeral,
with MARK delivering the “eulogy.”)
MARK
Dearly beloved we gather here to say our goodbyes
COLLINS & ROGER
Dies irae — dies illa
Kyrie eleison
Yitgadal v’ yitkadash, etc.
MARK
Here she lies
No one knew her worth
The late great daughter of mother earth
On this night when we celebrate the birth
In that little town of Bethlehem
We raise our glass — you bet your ass to —
(MAUREEN flashes hers.)
La vie Boheme
ALL
La vie Boheme
La vie Boheme
La vie Boheme
La vie Boheme
MARK
To days of inspiration
Playing hookie, making something out of nothing
The need to express —
To communicate,
To going against the grain,
Going insane
Going mad
To loving tension, no pension
To more than one dimension,
To starving for attention,
Hating convention, hating pretension
Not to mention of course,
Hating dear old mom and dad
To riding your bike,
Midday past the three piece suits
To fruits — to no absolutes —
To Absolut — to choice —
To the Village Voice —
To any passing fad
To being an us for once
Instead of a them
ALL
La vie Boheme
La vie Boheme
(JOANNE enters.)
MAUREEN
Is the equipment in a pyramid?
JOANNE
It is, Maureen
MAUREEN
The mixer doesn’t have a case
Don’t give me that face
(MAUREEN smacks JOANNE’s ass as she exits. MR. GREY reacts.)
MR. GREY
Ahhemm
MAUREEN
Hey Mister — she’s my sister
RESTAURANT MAN
So that’s five miso soup, four seaweed salad
Three soy burger dinner, two tofu dog platter
And one pasta with meatless balls
A BOY
Ugh
COLLINS
It tastes the same
MIMI
If you close your eyes
RESTAURANT MAN
And thirteen orders of fries
Is that it here?
ALL
Wine and beer!
MIMI & ANGEL
To hand-crafted beers made in local breweries
To yoga, to yogurt, to rice and beans and cheese
To leather, to dildos, to curry vindaloo
To huevos rancheros and Maya Angelou
MAUREEN & COLLINS
Emotion, devotion, to causing a commotion
Creation, vacation
MARK
Mucho masturbation
MAUREEN & COLLINS
Compassion, to fashion, to passion when it’s new
COLLINS
To Sontag
ANGEL
To Sondheim
FOUR PEOPLE
To anything taboo
COLLINS & ROGER
Ginsberg, Dylan, Cunningham and Cage
COLLINS
Lenny Bruce
ROGER
Langston Hughes
MAUREEN
To the stage
PERSON #1
To Uta
PERSON #2
To Buddha
PERSON #3
Pablo Neruda, too
MARK & MIMI
Why Dorothy and Toto went over the rainbow
To blow off Auntie Em
ALL
La vie Boheme
(JOANNE returns.)
MAUREEN
And wipe the speakers off before you pack
JOANNE
Yes, Maureen
MAUREEN
Well — hurry back
(MAUREEN and JOANNE kiss.)
MR. GREY
Sisters?
MAUREEN
We’re close
(ANGEL jumps on top of COLLINS, who’s on the table. They kiss.)
ANGEL, COLLINS, MAUREEN, MARK, MR. GREY
Brothers!
MARK, ANGEL, MIMI & THREE OTHERS
Bisexuals, trisexuals, homo sapiens,
Carcinogens, hallucinogens, men, Pee Wee Herman
German wine, turpentine, Gertrude Stein
Antonioni, Bertolucci, Kurosawa
Carmina Burana
ALL
To apathy, to entropy, to empathy, ecstasy
Vaclav Havel — The Sex Pistols, 8BC,
To no shame — never playing the Fame Game
COLLINS
To marijuana
ALL
To sodomy,
It’s between God and me
To S & M
(MR. GREY walks out.)
BENNY
Waiter…Waiter…Waiter
ALL
La vie Boheme
COLLINS
In honor of the death of Bohemia an impromptu salon will commence immediately following dinner…
Mimi Marquez, clad only in bubble wrap,
will perform her famous lawn chair-handcuff dance to the sounds of iced tea being stirred.
ROGER
Mark Cohen will preview his new documentary
about his inability to hold an erection on high holy days.
(ROGER picks up an electric guitar and starts to tune it.)
MARK
Maureen Johnson, back from her spectacular one-night engagement at the eleventh street lot,
Will sing native american tribal chants backwards through her vocoder,
While accompanying herself on the electric cello —
Which she has never studied.
(At this point, JOANNE has entered and seen MAUREEN playfully kiss MARK.
JOANNE exits. BENNY pulls MIMI aside.)
BENNY
Your new boyfriend doesn’t know about us?
MIMI
There’s nothing to know
BENNY
Don’t you think that we should discuss —
MIMI
It was three months ago
BENNY
He doesn’t act like he’s with you
MIMI
We’re taking it slow
BENNY
Where is he now?
MIMI
He’s right — hmm
BENNY
Uh huh
MIMI
Where’d he go?
MARK
Roger will attempt to write a bittersweet, evocative song.
(ROGER picks up a guitar and plays Musetta’s Theme.)
That doesn’t remind us of “Musetta’s Waltz”
COLLINS
Angel Dumott Schunard will now model the latest fall fashions from Paris
While accompanying herself on the 10 gallon plastic pickle tub.
ANGEL
And Collins will recount his exploits as an anarchist —
Including the successful reprogramming of the M.I.T. virtual reality equipment
To self-destruct, as it broadcast the words:
ALL
“Actual reality — Act Up — Fight AIDS”
BENNY
Check!!
(BENNY exits. Lights on MIMI and ROGER.)
MIMI
Excuse me — did I do something wrong?
I get invited — then ignored — all night long
ROGER
I’ve been trying — I’m not lying
No one’s perfect. I’ve got baggage
MIMI
Life’s too short, babe, time is flying
I’m looking for baggage that goes with mine
ROGER
I should tell, you —
MIMI
I’ve got baggage too
ROGER
I should tell you —
MIMI
I got baggage, too
ROGER
I should tell you —
BOTH
Baggage – wine —
OTHERS
And beer!
(Several beepers sound. Each turns off his or her beeper.)
MIMI
AZT break
(MIMI, ROGER, ANGEL, and COLLINS take pills.)
ROGER
You?
MIMI
Me. You?
ROGER
Mimi
(They hold hands and stare into each other’s eyes lovingly.
The rest of the company freezes.)
