TANGO: MAUREEN
(The lot. JOANNE is reexamining the cable connections for the umpteenth time.)
MARK
And so into the abyss…The lot. Where a small stage is partially set up.
JOANNE
(playing with some wires)
“Line in”…
I went to Harvard for this?
MARK
Close on Mark’s nose dive.
JOANNE
“Line out”…
MARK
Will he get out of here alive…?
(JOANNE notices MARK approaching.)
JOANNE
Mark?
MARK
Hi.
JOANNE
I told her not to call you
MARK
That’s Maureen
But can I help since I’m here
JOANNE
I hired an engineer …
MARK
Great!
Well, nice to have met you
JOANNE
Wait!
She’s three hours late
The samples won’t delay
But the cable —
MARK
There’s another way
Say something — anything
JOANNE (into the mike)
Test — one, two three —
MARK
Anything but that
JOANNE
This is weird
MARK
It’s weird
JOANNE
Very weird
MARK
Fuckin’ weird
JOANNE
I’m so mad
That I don’t know what to do
Fighting with microphones
Freezing down to my bones
And to top it all off
I’m with you
MARK
Feel like going insane?
Got a fire in your brain?
And you’re thinking of drinking gasoline?
JOANNE
As a matter of fact —
MARK
Honey, I know this act
It’s called the ‘Tango Maureen’
The Tango Maureen
It’s a dark, dizzy merry-go-round
As she keeps you dangling
JOANNE
You’re wrong
MARK
Your heart she is mangling
JOANNE
It’s different with me
MARK
And you toss and you turn
‘Cause her cold eyes can burn
Yet you yearn and you churn and rebound
JOANNE
I think I know what you mean
BOTH
The Tango Maureen
MARK
Has she ever pouted her lips
And called you ‘Pookie’
JOANNE
Never
MARK
Have you ever doubted a kiss or two?
JOANNE
This is spooky
Did you swoon when she walked through the door?
MARK
Every time — so be cautious
JOANNE
Did she moon over other boys –?
MARK
More than moon —
JOANNE
I’m getting nauseous
(They begin to dance, with MARK leading.)
MARK
Where’d you learn to tango?
JOANNE
With the French Ambassador’s daughter in her dorm room at Miss Porter’s. And you?
MARK
With Nanette Himmelfarb.
The Rabbi’s daughter at the Scarsdale Jewish Community Center.
(They switch, and JOANNE leads.)
It’s hard to do this backwards.
JOANNE
You should try it in heels!
She cheated
MARK
She cheated
JOANNE
Maureen cheated
MARK
Fuckin’ cheated
JOANNE
I’m defeated
I should give up right now
MARK
Gotta look on the bright side
With all of your might
JOANNE
I’d fall for her still anyhow
BOTH
When you’re dancing her dance
You don’t stand a chance
Her grip of romance
Make you fall
MARK
So you think, ‘Might as well’
JOANNE
“Dance a tango to hell”
BOTH
‘At least I’ll have tangoed at all’
The Tango Maureen
Gotta dance till your diva is through
You pretend to believe her
Cause in the end — you can’t leave her
But the end it will come
Still you have to play dumb
Till you’re glum and you bum
And turn blue
MARK
Why do we love when she’s mean?
JOANNE
And she can be so obscene
MARK
Try the mike
JOANNE
My Maureen (reverb: een, een, een…)
MARK
Patched
JOANNE
Thanks
MARK
You know — I feel great now!
JOANNE
I feel lousy
(The pay phone rings. MARK hands it to JOANNE.)
Honey, we’re… (pause) Pookie?!
You never call me Pookie…
Forget it, we’re patched.
(She hangs up, looks at MARK.)
BOTH
The Tango Maureen!
